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Guest Guest
| Subject: Poetry Tue Oct 07, 2008 12:04 am | |
| I have a question :is anyone here good at poetry? or know anything about it? lately ive been starting to write it and have had several people compliment on it.. one even forcing me to send it into a contest at new york [i doubt it'll get anywhere, but you never know] i really need help with the formatting tho.. where to capitalize, put commas, periods etc etc.. read these and give input/advice or just compliments, those always make me feel good Left for Dead- Spoiler:
The fight has begun You think you have won But he is not so weak However his attempts are bleak As he tries to fight You will deny His loss will be great As he begins to break Those who cared, lose faith As for those who didn’t, they simply walk away He spits his blood You spit none And when it seems like its over The unexpected happens And you are left for dead Only the one who spits blood is there to help Ambulances sound their sirens And within minutes you feel cushion beneath you But all is lost Though you are of much cost to those who are your immediate The object lodged in you is too deep And as you begin to fade You remember how the only one who helped, was the one you despised the most.
The Knife- Spoiler:
So much confusion So many mistakes Yet it is all balanced on the knife That is life However one mistake in the balance itself And lives are lost Enforcements are made To keep the balance But there are always the ones Who would defy these enforcements And so force is acquired To stop these opponents to enforcement And thus higher conflict begins And war breaks out More lives are lost Enforcements are officially destroyed Depressions begin No place is a safe place And the knife is left unbalanced for eternity
if they are a bit confusing to you ill try to explain them, also im new to poetry so if they make absolutely no sence to you dont blame me, they did to me im hoping others are understanding what im trying to say in these..
Last edited by Demonic_iTunes on Tue Oct 07, 2008 12:39 am; edited 1 time in total |
| | | SkapeGoat Powerful Mage
Number of posts : 200 Registration date : 2008-07-09 Age : 30 Location : West Coast
Your Character Level: 1 Primary Move: Invis cloak?
| Subject: Re: Poetry Tue Oct 07, 2008 12:36 am | |
| Left For Dead- my suggestion it sounds like it flows a little more but doesnt work as well with the there after.
"He spits his blood" "You spit none" "When it seems like its over" "And you think you have won" | |
| | | Guest Guest
| Subject: Re: Poetry Tue Oct 07, 2008 12:39 am | |
| i see.. so simply add the line "And you think you have won" in between "When it seems likes its over" and "the unexpected happens"? |
| | | SkapeGoat Powerful Mage
Number of posts : 200 Registration date : 2008-07-09 Age : 30 Location : West Coast
Your Character Level: 1 Primary Move: Invis cloak?
| Subject: Re: Poetry Tue Oct 07, 2008 12:47 am | |
| that or replace "the unexpected happens" | |
| | | kuro Clan Chieftan
Number of posts : 1331 Registration date : 2008-05-31 Age : 114 Location : in the middle of nowHere.
Your Character Level: 2 Primary Move: invoke
| Subject: Re: Poetry Tue Oct 07, 2008 12:53 am | |
| 'left for dead' needs more flowing e.g. if five lines have 4 syllables and all rhyme, and then the next few have 5 or six syllables and dont rhyme, it messes up the poem's flow. i like the knife one starts at point A... goes to point B... restates point A and goes back to point A but with a stronger point... full circle! i like it! ^_^ | |
| | | AquaAscension Legendary
Number of posts : 580 Registration date : 2008-05-21
Your Character Level: 1 Primary Move: Flying Dragon Kick
| Subject: Re: Poetry Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:16 pm | |
| I'll comment on this later, but I'm in class at the moment...
BTW, I've written poetry for about 7 years now. It's usually slam, but yeah. | |
| | | Guest Guest
| Subject: Re: Poetry Tue Oct 07, 2008 8:16 pm | |
| - kuro wrote:
- 'left for dead' needs more flowing
e.g. if five lines have 4 syllables and all rhyme, and then the next few have 5 or six syllables and dont rhyme, it messes up the poem's flow.
i like the knife one
starts at point A... goes to point B... restates point A and goes back to point A but with a stronger point... full circle! i like it! ^_^ thanks kuro if anyone is wondering why both of them are a little 'dark' in a sence.. its because these happy and jolly poems you see have no conflict, and that extremely bores me.. |
| | | AquaAscension Legendary
Number of posts : 580 Registration date : 2008-05-21
Your Character Level: 1 Primary Move: Flying Dragon Kick
| Subject: Re: Poetry Wed Oct 08, 2008 1:14 am | |
| I'm trying to figure out of the top one is metaphorical or a description of an incident. Either or it's good though it loses me in some places. You made one grammatical error, but it's not a big deal. - Quote :
- And when it seems like its over
should be it'sYep. Ummm, I'm going to share as well. Enjoy? - Spoiler:
Namaste... Namaste... A greeting from the east meant to pay homage to The Soul's sovereignty. The Soul, a spark of Divine, the God within, Namaste, Namaste... I respect the spark within even if the flame Itself has long been doused. The time is right to reignite your life! Let the spark catch, let the fire spread! Allow the once withered flame within to glow, To grow. All the air to flow; fan the Flame with each and every breath! Cease your suffocation, stop stifling the flame With incessant smoke. Rage against any Inhalation that prevents the propagation Of the flame. Break all barriers that block out or Lock in that brightly burning fire within! Remember the Soul's sovereignty and destroy all Impediments that attempt to dim its divine light! Namaste: Greet the God within! Namaste: Usher into this lifeless planet your own light! Don't let the light die! Don't let the luminescent effect be ephemeral! Don't let your light evanesce! Now, breath deeply. Feel the fire climb freely. Feel the fire clear its way, Namaste, Namaste...
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| | | Guest Guest
| Subject: Re: Poetry Sat Oct 18, 2008 3:29 am | |
| - AquaAscension wrote:
- I'm trying to figure out of the top one is metaphorical or a description of an incident. Either or it's good though it loses me in some places.
You made one grammatical error, but it's not a big deal. - Quote :
- And when it seems like its over
should be it's
Yep. Ummm, I'm going to share as well. Enjoy?
- Spoiler:
Namaste... Namaste... A greeting from the east meant to pay homage to The Soul's sovereignty. The Soul, a spark of Divine, the God within, Namaste, Namaste... I respect the spark within even if the flame Itself has long been doused. The time is right to reignite your life! Let the spark catch, let the fire spread! Allow the once withered flame within to glow, To grow. All the air to flow; fan the Flame with each and every breath! Cease your suffocation, stop stifling the flame With incessant smoke. Rage against any Inhalation that prevents the propagation Of the flame. Break all barriers that block out or Lock in that brightly burning fire within! Remember the Soul's sovereignty and destroy all Impediments that attempt to dim its divine light! Namaste: Greet the God within! Namaste: Usher into this lifeless planet your own light! Don't let the light die! Don't let the luminescent effect be ephemeral! Don't let your light evanesce! Now, breath deeply. Feel the fire climb freely. Feel the fire clear its way, Namaste, Namaste...
lol i like yours but its to complicated for me.. i cant understand it as much as some of these better poets could.. yeah ill change the its thing i would try to explain.. but like a friend of mine once said. - Jake wrote:
- "i dont know what it means, i just write the shit"
Heres the one i just finished Pressure- Spoiler:
The pressure is on They have won At first it’s effects you good But in the end, it effects you bad You start with poppin em But as the pressure builds and builds And you reach the point of no resistance You move up a level And start shootin it Your performance on the field is unmatched But as your abilities increase You lose all control And begin to lash out In uncontrollable rage You try to stop yourself But you are nearly a bystander now Watching yourself, but not yourself Destroy all you have gained You scream inside yourself to stop But it will never stop You have reached the point of no return And the only way to stop... Is to die!
One Bullet One shot One kill The town awakes As the sirens sound In the center of town A body lay lifeless In his pocket A bottle is found Words are circled “Beware of roid rage” Many were guilty No one was charged Except the one who lost his life
Its a little bit longer then the other two.. i dont think it flows as good, but i read a book lately about steroid use and thought of this.. *BUMP* The Official- Spoiler:
The dogs charge the field Pumped and ready to win The coin is tossed The end zone is our goal We will receive And we will deliver The game begins With a kick As we have scored So have they But we lose many chances And they gain many more With 12-30 at the half Many have given up But all is not lost We are not done We will finish this fight The game resumes We give it our all And throughout the ordeal We score! 20-30 But as they drive They launch the ball And as he comes into contact He is thrown to the ground And the flag is thrown The flag that will ultimately lead to our downfall Pass Interference And after a huge gain from a bullshit call they will score 20-38 We try to forget it We play our best We score two more times 32-38 But in the end It just goes to show One bullshit call can fuck up the entire game for a team Who worked so hard Just to be defeated Not by the opposing team But by their own damn official
*Based on a True Story* This one is about the football game i got back from a few hours ago.. |
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